Ordering Your Martini

Ordering a martini is not just about getting a drink. It’s a quiet test of a bar’s soul, and of your own. Because the martini is one of the few cocktails in the world that demands both precision and personality. It’s a drink that wears its simplicity like armor but conceals a universe of variation beneath the surface. To order a martini well is to know what you want or to find joy in discovering it as the bartender places their version in front of you.

That’s the beauty of it. You can walk into a bar, ask for a dirty martini, and see how it comes. Some will go heavy on the brine, some will barely tint the drink. Some will stir, others will shake. The olives might be stuffed with paprika, or they might be bare, bright green Castelvetranos. It’s a test and a treat. You get to see how the bar interprets the drink. It tells you as much about the place as it does about the martini itself.

But then there’s the other kind of order. The precise one. The “I know exactly what I want” order that shows you’ve thought about this drink before. Maybe obsessively. Maybe all day.

Gin, not vodka. Stirred, unless it’s hot and you want the shake for chill and dilution. A dash of dry vermouth, maybe Dolin, maybe Noilly Prat. Dirty, with just enough olive brine to cloud the glass, but not enough to swamp the botanicals. Three blue cheese-stuffed olives on a pick, please. Yes, that order exists. And it’s beautiful.

The Satan’s Whiskers Test

At Satan’s Whiskers in London, a bar known for its moody vibe and fiercely loyal local following. I walked in expecting to ask for “a martini” and get whatever the house liked to pour. Many bars have a house martini, a signature serve or preferred style, unspoken but consistent. But not here.

Instead, the bartender raised an eyebrow and asked, “How do you like it?” Not in a challenging way. Not pretentious. Just a simple gesture of respect. You tell us, they seemed to say. We’ll make it how you like it.

I gave my full order: “Tanquary Gin, shaken, dirty, dash of dry vermouth, blue cheese olives if you’ve got them.” They nodded, took note, and delivered exactly that. No assumptions. No off-the-shelf pour. No blue cheese olives. It was a small moment of hospitality that felt huge. They didn't want to impose their version of the martini on me; they wanted to deliver mine.

How to Speak Martini

Ordering a martini should never be intimidating, but it helps to know your options. The martini is a dialogue, and the more you understand the language, the more enjoyable the exchange becomes.

Here’s how to start speaking martini:

• Gin or Vodka: The eternal debate. Gin brings botanicals, juniper, citrus, spice. While vodka lets everything else shine. Choose based on your mood, not dogma.

• Dry, Extra-Dry, Wet, or Dirty: Dry means less vermouth. Extra-dry might mean none at all. Wet swings the ratio in vermouth’s favor. Dirty introduces olive brine for a savory edge.

• Shaken or Stirred: Stirred is classic, it chills and dilutes gently. Shaken adds aeration and a slightly rougher edge. Ignore the snobs. Order what you like.

• Up or On the Rocks: “Up” means chilled and served without ice. “On the rocks” is exactly what it sounds like; great for a slower sip.

• Garnish: A twist (lemon peel) adds brightness. An olive (or three) leans savory. Blue cheese-stuffed? You’re playing in deluxe territory now. Pickled onions? Welcome to the Gibson.

• Bitters or No Bitters: Less common, perhaps, but a dash of orange bitters is a nod to the martini’s roots. It adds subtle complexity, especially with dry vermouth and gin.

It's Yours

That’s the magic. No other cocktail has such a flexible spine. You can be hands-off and let the bar guide the experience or you can steer it, down to the last olive. You can order a bone-dry Plymouth martini with a lemon twist or a bold, briny Tanqueray number with enough olive brine to season a salad.

And at a place like Satan’s Whiskers, or any bar that gets it, you’ll never be met with judgment. Only with a follow-up question: “What gin?” Or, “Shaken or stirred?” Because those questions mean they care. They’re inviting you into the process.

So next time, don’t be afraid to make your martini yours. Whether you speak the full language or just whisper “dirty with olives,” you're entering one of the most customizable, personal, and quietly thrilling rituals in the world of drinking.

And you just might end up with the best martini of your life.